Birthing "Freedom Friday"

To all my faithful readers, I am expanding my though process and allowing you, the reader, to have a voice in what I write. In other words, I am extending an invitation to all, who know me or read this blog, to speak up and grab my attention! I need new, fresh ideas to blog about and that is where you all become important.

I need any and everyone to let know what topic they want me to talk about or have a random rant about.  I not only can blog about issues in the world but I can take it to a personal level.  If anyone is interested in giving my blogging ideas, I will feature your idea on Fridays and call it "Freedom Friday."

Every Friday I will feature an idea given to me by a faithful reader or random stranger. If I do not have an idea for that Friday, then I won't post that day, instead I will post randomly like I do.

You may be asking why do I need help or extending an invitation? Well, like most writers, I sometimes catch writers block or maybe I want to be challenged and experience more thoughts than just my own.  I guess I want to revolutionize blogging to a different level.  A level where its more interactive but stays on a personal level.  So help me illustrate your thoughts with my words.  Let your thoughts and my words combine and consummate to make a new breed of blogging!  Everyone loves creating something new, so why not have a hands on experience making this child with me... Let's birth "Freedom Friday" together and help cut down the number of single parent homes in this country! I look forward to collaborating with you, whoever you are....

This post may be the shortest post I have wrote thus far so that is all the more reason to speak up and let Love/Hate express your ideas...

24

24 is a number. 24 is the total number of hours in a single day. 24 is a date in a month, its in every month without fail. 24 used to be a title of a hit television series. 24 is a persons age or lifespan. 24 is much more than a number to me now. 24 represents a moment where I realized who sincerely cared about me and where I tested everyone in my life. And the bad news is, more than half of you failed! Failed not only my test but failed at being there for more than just a birthday, but a celebration of my life.

Most of the people in my life, I have been there for and busted my ass for each and everyone of you in more than one incident. And the good people in my life has returned the favor but I'm not keeping count or keeping a record of who's there for me or who's not there. But I am remembering all the excuses, lies, and let downs each and everyone has made me experience. If you have not figured it out yet, 24 represents my age which represents my life. 

Let me backtrack and explain why I am angry... No, I'm too old to be angry, why I'm disappointed. First, I spent time, effort, and money inviting people to share and experience my birthday. The number of people I invited ranged between 20-30 people total and not even half of that number showed up. I had maybe 5 or 6 people show up and celebrate my birthday. For all of those who took time out of their day to be here physically I am sincerely thankful and I appreciate your effort. Best believe I will return that same effort and time you put into me and my day! 

I understand some people live miles away and wasn't able to make it, you're excused and I understand. But I had some people say they were coming and the day of backed out on me which utterly pissed me off. If you're reading this and texting or calling me and not getting a response. That means you're dead to me, lose my number, fuck you! For those who said they didn't have money or time to come out or to say it was short notice, I call bullshit and lies. If a person has at least a months notice and still epically fails to show any type of support, you're dead to me!

To everyone else who really had a legitimate reason and/or sent me birthday wishes, Thank you I appreciate it. To those who made no effort to come out or wish me happy birthday, fuck you...you're dead to me!

Second reason I am utterly disappointed about the lack of support for my birthday is the symbolism of a person's birthday. A birthday is exactly what it suggests, its a day of birth for that particular person. In other words, its a celebration of a person's life. I feel like if you make excuses, lie, or not even attempt to show any type of support for my life then why the hell would you be at my funeral. Yes, my funeral, the celebration of my death. Why should I expect people who consider themselves my "friends" to be there when I die if they couldn't be there while I was living.

Final reason I am disappointed is because I have to re-evaluate friends & family. Meaning some people will be fired or let go. 24 also represents change in my life. So I have to make some personnel changes in the near future. 

To all those who texted, called, facebooked me, or shared my birthday I am thankful. To those who didn't do any of that I'm done with supporting you and being there for you. I refuse to be used anymore.

Sorry Carrie but I have to mention you here but I'm not cutting those who I have deep ties with over not being a "good" friend on my birthday. Instead, I am not putting forth as much effort towards you or your life anymore. Believe me, those who I am disappointed in will notice my lack of presence before too long. Also there's really no making it up to me, I have a full year to reminisce and remember how I was neglected and forgotten when I was 24.

A Year...& Few Months Later- Part 2

Last Time on Love/Hate Blog...

I vented about my relationships of 2011 and it felt great releasing alot of pinned up lies and feeling about certain people. I tried not to call many people out and I think I did a great job at it. Also in my prior post, I talked about how my life changed for not only the better but I pointed out some things I hoped and wished to change this year, 2012. From there I left everyone hanging and salivating at the mouth readily waiting for this post.  This is the moment you guys have waited on and waited on so now without further ado here's Part Dos(that means 2 in espanol(Spanish)) "A Year...& Few Month Later"


All in all my life is pretty good. I'm not saying its perfect or I don't have any worries but I do believe all the choices I have made this year were all the right ones. I wouldn't go back and change them for the world. Not only has this past year been a period of good and bad for myself but my friends and family have experienced alot in the smooth but turbulent year we call 2011... 

2011 began where 2010 ended with love in the air and the change happening everywhere. Change is usually good but sometimes to have change, you have to experience some bad. Its like getting your teeth pulled in the instance that you have a rotten tooth. The decaying tooth is not good for you and getting it pulled is seen as change that's needed. Without this change occurring, then it affects the other teeth in your mouth and eventually your health. Resulting in more pain that was initially needed. After getting your tooth pulled and experiencing pain, you and your mouth are better for going through that moment of discomfort. 

I hope everyone sort of understood that example of how change in the end is usually good but you have to go through some discomfort to ultimately realize your true happiness. 

Moving along, I have decided to blog about 4 people in my life that experienced changes in 2011. Although some of their changes was like getting their eye surgically removed without any type of anaesthetic, they are better and ready to continue further growth in 2012.

First 

I want to talk about my older brother Joshua. His life changed tremendously when I moved to Charlotte back in August. Instead of telling me no and rejecting my point of view about being roommates, he welcomed me with open arms and showed me the city. For that I, no words can express how much it meant to me to have someone like him not only as my older brother but as one of my closest friends.

Joshua's life seems awesome from my point of view. He has an awesome job, smart as hell, but sometimes quirky and annoying. I see him doing great things this year and I hope to help him excel. When my family is doing great then my job is complete. Besides, I know he would help me any way possible. With that being said, that makes me and him an unstoppable team! So before the end of 2012, not only look out for me, but Joshua is on his way to ascension!

Second

JADRAN!!!! Yes Jai(aka Jadran) I am giving you a shout out on Love/Hate so don't sue my ass if I say anything wrong. I promise I will keep it PG just for you.

Me and Jai have been homeboys since freshman year at Winthrop. But it wasn't until my sophomore year where my homeboy turned into my 2nd brother. Well technically my 3rd brother because I have a little brother. But all of you got the picture. I still remember back in 2007, when me and him became roommates, one of our first conversations was about Ramen noodles and their proper name. I still call them "oodles of noodles" but I can bet anyone $100 that he still calls them Ramen. Also that same year, I remember him waking up singing "No One" by Alicia Keys while ironing his clothes. I laid in my bed sleep and honestly he sung that song so good, I thought I was front row at one of her concerts. 

Now back to the present... Jai has achieved so much since our time at Winthrop sometimes I use him as a goal I want to achieve. In other words, I want to get to that "Jai" in life. In 2011, he not only started that year as a college grad, but he did it as a black man which is already hard in today's society. He has set the standard and set the bar high for myself and many other people(not just black people). In 2011, Jai got himself a great job, doing what he loves(I hope), and he's moving so fast that I may never catch up with him but as long as I have someone to chase then I will continue to grow and be better. Jai, my homeboy, you better get ready because you have rival. Its like I'm Rocky Balboa and you're Apollo Crede. Before this move is over, I'm going to be on top looking down at you*no homo* with my hand held high!

Third

Mama Shannon, I think I never understood why I labeled you "Mama" but sometimes your actions explained it enough. All those party nights in "the basement" reminded me of episodes of That 70's Show. So much was said and done in "the basement" but every time I passed out on your couch or face down in your toilet, you came and checked on me. You gave me water while I was drunk or put a cover on me when I was passed out on your couch. In my book, you took care of me like a mama does her son. You have continued to fulfill the title of "mama" throughout the years and I am truly grateful that I met you. Now I will stop harping. 


2011 started off great for you. You had a fiance', college degree, and your life was starting to come together. But with everything good coming to light, a shadow was cast from the light and with it came a few lows. The continuing drama with let's say alias' "LO" and "AM" continued and people's true intentions came out. LO came off as a liar and I took your side from day one. I don't like neutrality because it shows wavering faith in whatever the issue is. I don't want to get into the details of you and LO's fallout but it had to happen. Although you and LO were like sisters, you and AM were even closer. One thing you have firmly believed in is not to let a penis separate friendships but AM did that. If LO could do that, I'm sure she would have went with the sausage too. Except her sausage wouldn't have been cocaine filled and smelled like marijuana, instead it would have been fat. In the end though, you lost 2 close friends and I'm sure it hurt but sometimes in life you have to go through hell to get to heaven. 


Shannon, although your 2011 can be seen as a roller coaster ride, you ended the year on one hell of a high note. The climax of your roller coaster surpassed Mount Everest in how high you ended the year. You got married!!!


Its funny that college changes people's lives for the better. Too bad LO may never find that out & if she does, she may have to take the bus to get there... Anyway moving on... While in college, from what you told me, you met your future/current husband Mat. Hopefully you two didn't meet at a strip club. And if you two did, I wonder who was on the pole?


Back to getting married...


I was glad to take part in you and Mat's special day and if I had to change anything about it, I would change nothing. You have experienced something I only imagined experiencing and hope to experience in a few years! Hope to see you there! In conclusion, Shannon, you and PAPA Mat are 2 awesome people together but separate, y'all are just average. So stay together please because I admire what you two have so keep it going and make me a nephew by 2013!


Fourth

Luanne or Samantha, you know I couldn't forget about you. When I went through the phase of losing one of my closest friends, you lost him too. But its life and life moves on. Ever since day one, you have been my homegirl and 2011 just proved that you're more than just my homegirl, you moved into the sister category. I must admit that you're one girl that is down to hang out, catch a movie, or just to talk to when no one else is around. Your 2011 started with you in the classroom busting your ass to graduate. At least we all know that all your hard hard work paid off by the end of the year. More on that in a few...

You have changed so much since I first met you. You were shy, conservative, and scary. Now being around me and other people, you have almost master the art of being a smart ass, your opening up more in various aspects, and your confidence is slowly heightening. You went from Lil Smurfette to Lil Smurfette with swagg! Not only with swag but as of this past December you got your degree in education which takes a special to achieve that level and to move on to being a teacher. So 2011 ended great for you and if its a precursor to 2012 then I cannot wait to see how Ms. Samantha's classroom looks. I also cannot wait to see how much of an impact you have on young people's life. Don't tell them about all the horrible thing I've done, you may end up teaching my son one day! 

Side Note

There are so many other people in my life who I could have blogged about but these 4 people are extremely close to my heart and I converse with them all weekly sometimes daily. 

Side note to Jai, you really have to learn to text me back sometimes. I'm not an ex girlfriend or a baby mama wanting child support. Text me back sometimes!

Samantha, you need to start find out from the Rogaine people if they found out a way to not only grow hair but to grow people too.


Shannon, one thing I will truly miss commenting about, when you were single, is "the booty". You're the only girl who's butt has its own persona. 


Josh, sometimes you annoy me but I know I can be an asshole and smart ass so I won't even mess with you on here.


Conclusion

2011 had the common theme of change for everyone in society. Ranging from my friends all the way to my family, change has happened to us all. It really depends on how each individual handled this change that determined if the change was a positive or negative experience. So to finally end this 2-part blog I have one piece of advice...

"Change is essential for a prosperous future, but without change there is no hope for a future" -B. Sarratt

A Year...& Few Months Later- Part 1

To anyone who has missed me... I'm back! To those who spend alot of their time trying to diss or hate me then fuck you because I'm Back! 
 

Now Continuing my Post...

Yes it has been a year since I've blogged but over that yearly span so much has changed not only for myself but for everyone around me. So I will be calling out a few people on this post some good things and bad things will be put on blast but I doubt anyone I piss off has the money to sue me for slander so let's get to it

If anyone who knows me that does not know already, I have moved locations since the last time I blogged. Yes, I left Gaffney SC and relocated to Charlotte NC for various reasons but the primary reasons were for work, more opportunities in life that Gaffney couldn't begin to offer me, and finally I needed & yearned for a new beginning. I was terribly conflicted about should I stay or should I go but after some careful thought and some great advice from some of my closest friends, I decided to leave Gaffney in the rear view & start over in a new city with new people. Its January now & I have been living in this great city for about 6months and I must admit I love it here in all aspects but the only thing I truly miss is my family & SOME of my friends. Although, a piece of me still belongs to Gaffney, I've left it in my rear view and I refuse to look or even go back unless its for those I care about.

This past year was a huge change for me but like the symbol yin & yang represent, with all the good in my life there was some bad. The summer of 2011 was great, I had a new job, making some crazy money, and had no type of worries to contend with. Everything seem to be going in the right direction for not only myself but for my friends until something changed. When I say something changed, I mean my usefulness changed. If anyone doesn't know what I'm trying to hint at then I will sum it up simply as this, I lost 2 of my best friends over some stupid dumb ass immature bullshit. Let me elaborate further, one of my ex best friends stopped talking to me over a girl we both messed around with. Like I mentioned earlier with every good there's a bad, in this instance it circled around and the bad eventually turn into a good. Me and my homeboy are cool again after talking things through and realizing we both were at fault and we both learned from it and got over it like normal men do. 

I did say I lost 2 best friends in 2011? Okay, my other ex-best friend was like my brother from another mother. We were so much alike & we complimented each other so much that it felt kind of gay being around him at times but that's what friendship becomes when you get so close to a person that you form a relationship that's more that friendship but family. I honestly do not know where or what truly happened but I felt like usefulness expired which I think is totally fucked up but giving the situations when he turn feminine & stopped talking to me or acknowledging me. At first I was angry but let me clarify that during any point of the ending stages of friendship did I feel any type of empathy or sadness. I was just angry not only because he disowned me, but he disowned others for no reason at all. I'm at a point right now where my anger has evolved to mixture of nothingness & sorrow for him. I feel sorry for him because he has turned his attention and put everything into a single person which is not always good but in this instance, I don't wish no bad on him or the new useful person in his life. I actually wish him the best in everything he does now and so forth. With that being said, I've washed my hands and moving forward without any resentment or hatred towards anyone...back in Gaffney.

When I left Gaffney, I not only left my friends, family, and a few problems back there but I left the soap opera I like to call my love life. My main issues began in 2010 when I met a psycho chick I will nickname alias, "J". Psycho does not begin to describe how horrible she was and more than likely still is. Psycho-hoe-cock sucking-lying-conniving-nasty-bitch is a much better word. If that word was in a dictionary then it would have her face beside it or it will redirect you to her name. In the urban-dictionary they would reference her by her phone number and with that description it will point out if you want easy ass that's been passed more times than the dressing at Thanksgiving call this number.

Anyway commercial is over back to my fucked up soap opera I call my love life in 2011.

Besides trying to shake J, I had plentiful endeavors between the times she cheated on me, disappeared to suck cock in the trailer park, or lying to all my friends about me. With these endeavors, I learned alot about myself and the women I banged out, tried to bang out, and/or got some brain in the backseat of my Prizm. Although the experiences I felt were primarily physical, the emotional side of me still belonged to J and to be honest I hated what i was starting to become.

Here is a taste of how bad I had become. I lied to everyone ranging from my family and friends to strangers who questioned who I dated. I did not leave J alone officially until August of 2011 right before I left for Charlotte. I lied to you all about me still being involved with her. I still fucked her even though she did so much to me but for some reason, the sex helped erase all the hurt and harm she did to me. For those 20-30mins, I was at ease until all my worry-free shot out of me like a cannon then I came back to reality & the realization, she was no good for me. I let her go and I went my separate way far away from her and her drama. I cannot firmly say she is the primary cause of my womanizing but she is the main reason why I trust no bitch except a select few. For that, I thank her because she helped me realize that love is not always a good thing but it can be crude, cold, and deceptive and if you love the wrong person then you will end up in more hurt and harm than any physical action towards you by anyone.

After being left hurt in many aspects by J, I relied solely on fucking and deceiving any female who believed my words and fell for my game. There was even a moment, No... longer than a moment, it was actually an entire day when I felt I needed to stop and correct my ways. I felt like everything I had been through was a result of how I treated other women from my past. Some call it Karma and so do I. That thought only lasted one day and I continued my splurge with no regrets and I kept relieving my inner conflicts with physical satisfactions.

From that moment I met another female that will be known as alias "T". T was cool at time but other times, she was emotionless and somewhat annoying. I soon found out that she had be subjected to heartbreak prior to meeting me in 2011. We both clashed in all aspects except physically. She was broken and so was I and I have come to learn that 2 broken people cannot be compatible no matter how much you work at trying to make it work because in the end, the missing pieces could not be replaced if the other person is also missing something. So me & her split thus making her my last relationship of 2011.

I ended 2011 without a relationship. Which was awesome because it gave me time to seek out who I really was and where I was heading.

Then some time passed, it was between Christmas & New Year where I realized something had to change, I have to change. I had to move away from womanizing and go in the opposite direction. I still have confidence, good looks, and the ability to bang the easy ones, but this I year decided to reminisce on that one day when I was at my emotional lowest & I thought I needed to slow down and find "the one" and hold on to that mindset.

The girl... no the WOMAN for me may be out there looking for me all I have to do is be willing, accepting and patient enough to wait on her to appear. Until then, I will continue to have fun and bang a few easy ones, but womanizing will reduce starting now in 2012. The number of women will reduce but not stop completely. I have matured and opened myself to more moral aspects but at the end I'm still a man and I have needs so I will take what comes to me but I will take quality over quantity this time around.

Hopefully if miracles can happen then maybe I can go out and make my own happen & find "the one" every hopeless romantic preaches about. That is why this year, 2012, I have decided to work on my patience primarily, continue to improve myself in all aspects, and assist those around me and help propel them to further greatness & continued awesomeness!

All in all my life is pretty good. I'm not saying its perfect or I don't have any worries but I do believe all the choices I have made this year were all the right ones. I wouldn't go back and change them for the world. Not only has this past year been a period of good and bad for myself but my friends and family have experienced alot in the smooth but turbulent year we call 2011...

But you have to stay tuned to Part 2 where I will conclude this blog post! Until then... To be Continued!

Recollecting My Sanity

Its been awhile since I blogged. As a matter of fact, my last post was September 29, 2010 which is a little bit over a month. A lot has happened to me in that span of time between blog posts. Things ranging from me finding "love" to being cheated on and lied to by the same person twice.

Love can be misleading especially if you believe it was true... Honestly she deserved an Academy award

Besides that, this post is not going to be about how I was mislead and done wrong because I am truly over it and she will regret it in the end. In other words, I will win in the end and she will feel 100x's worse than I ever felt.

Vowing for revenge is not me, I am not that kind of guy, but I do believe in karma and what goes around comes around. Just ask Justin Timberlake...

Now continuing on to my blog post...

After going through everything I have went through between posts, honestly I am mentally and emotionally drained. I barely sleep, I eat very little, and I just lay around the house and watch television unless I have to work or go to school. I have literally became the emotionless hack that I refused to become. The only issue is that I am a fighter and there is a part of me that refuses to give up.

Starting to feel like another Rocky movie remake...

Every day when I talk to my friends, family, and those who generally care for me, I have hope and encouragement. They insist that I can do better, I deserved better than what I had, and I will find better. With their help and encouragement, I am slowly recollecting my sanity. It may take some time but I will learn to love and trust again but for the time being, I have to heal.

My kind of healing is unconventional and requires no band-aids, gauze, or neosporin...

All I need now is friends. The kind of friends that I can talk to, go out with, and experience certain pleasures without getting emotionally attached. In other words, I need multiple partners to help fill the void and get my mind off things. Anyone who knows me know that this may seem unlike me or that I am wrong for being a womanizer, but this is how I cope and heal. So with time I will eventually learn to trust and believe in someone worth believing in.

Until that time comes, my friends, family, and even myself will help me Recollect My Sanity...

Extraordinary Standard

With only a few months before graduation, I sit back and reminisce about all my experiences in school. Ranging from 4k all the way to a Super Senior in college, I have done fairly well to this point. So well that I have started to think about the "what ifs". Do not misunderstand that prior sentence because I am highly confident in myself and the direction I am going. The only issue I am facing now is this one particular "what if" that seemed minor but only til now has become major.

Major in a way that I need a better grasp on this thought or I may never fully understand what motivates me...

I wonder everyday what direction my life would have taken if I underachieved or if I was considered "bad". In other words, what perception would the world have if I took a wrong turn somewhere early in life? I know I am the spokesman for the "fuck it" generation and not just caring about what people do or think about me, but I see so many people who messed up their lives early on in life and now are getting praised. This leaves me to think that the bad guys in life can do all the wrong in the world and do what not is expected and still somehow become the hero in the end.

If bad people has a chance at redemption, then what happens to the good guys when they mess up?...

Since the beginning when we are able to distinguish right from wrong, we were offered two paths to take. One path being the good guy and living life doing what is right and following the rules afraid of the consequences. The other path was a life of mischief, ignoring the rules, and accepting the consequences for misbehaving. The choice was simple from the beginning but depending on the path you took from that early moment in life, you may think that being good was the easiest path to take, but at this point in my life, maybe being the bad guy is not such a hard road to take.

A road not taken can be considered easier to those who have not began to walk that path...

Imagine messing up in school, cussing your parents out, or doing drugs then all of a sudden you get an epiphany that the path you chose is wrong, so you decide to alter your direction and begin following the standard of being a model citizen and doing good. The end result should be that you get a second chance in life and those who doubted you will somehow become your biggest fans. You will achieve role model status and eventually depending on how well your life ends up, you could become the standard that future generations follow.

Flip That Thought...

Imagine going to church, being active in the community, excelling in school, and being the person everyone expects to do great things then one day the road you chose somehow becomes tainted and causes you to throw it all away which result in your downfall. The end result should be that you may be out of time to get back to where you once were and those who boosted you up and expected great things are the ones who criticize and ridicule you. Eventually if you hit rock bottom and eventually get up, then you are already labeled as a nobody and will never amount to the standard you once built yourself to become.

These are the standards we have placed upon ourselves as members in a society that holds the good guy or hero to an extraordinary standard when compared to the bad guy or villain...

The standards we have placed upon ourselves and the rest of the world are considered unfair depending on the viewpoint you want to take. But I firmly believe that if you follow the standards from the beginning and do what is right, then you are taking the biggest risk to face failure because everyone has created the assumption that you will be great and have placed you on a pedestal that if you do anything less than what is expected then you are considered underachieving or possibly a nobody. On the hand, if you have underachieved from the beginning then people's standards are easier to meet. This thought makes me believe the villainous is the perfect setup from prosperity because all you have to do is stop doing wrong and you can be the hero.

Doing what is right felt like the right thing to do but now avoiding being considered below the standard is what motivates me...

I have done what is expected of me throughout my life but I know one day that I may stray towards an alternate route and become inferior to my expectations, but that's life. Hopefully anyone who read this post understands my thought process and also know that I am not displaying jealousy or envy. I am just giving a realist view on an idea no one probably even considered. In closing, something I heard a while ago stays with me til this day and I hope it really opens the minds of all those who read this post...

"The only difference between the good guy and the bad guy is one wrong decision..."

Moment of Weakness

I laid in bed last night reminiscing past relationships and ex girlfriends, not to mention old friends I do not consider friends anymore. My life has been full of much happiness but when happiness shines its brightest, darkness tends to cast its shadow to dim that only glimmer of sanity you know. In this case, my happiness was the love and affection I felt when I was in relationships, holding my ex girlfriends close to me, or when I spent time with old friends...

Like the prelude before, when your light shines its brightest, something dims it to the point where you are on the edge of insanity...

My happiness, in a shorter definition was love. I gave, lost, and was stolen from many times before by many people who I loved and thought truly loved me. These moments are what keeps me up late at nights thinking about who or where I am going. I am starting to feel numb in the one place where my happiness is produced, and that is in my heart. I am a believer that with each relationship you give a piece of yourself to someone and when that relationship fails, then that piece you gave to your significant other, is split down the middle one for you and one for him/her...

Simple division has never been so easy but painful at the same time...

As that one piece you continually give to your friends and lovers, even your family, gradually divides in 2, you are left with a huge hole and even less to give to the next person after. Eventually, giving up on love becomes a viable option because you are at the point where you have nothing to feel. In other words, you become numb to emotions. Its these moments where I have felt my weakest, I am left with my guard down, my heart defenseless on the front lines, and my emotions retreat...

After realizing this last night, I came to the realization that I refuse to have another moment of weakness...

The moments where I felt invincible, untouchable, and happiest, ended up being moments where I felt helpless, stupid, and hurt. Growing up I always believed that love would never betray me or steer me wrong as long as I kept faith, but as I lay in bed every night I will look beside me and see the emptiness that surrounds me as a reminder that I once showed weakness and trusted in love...

And as a result, I will avoid moments of weakness until someone is strong enough to remove the shadow that dims my light...

L!v3 f0r +h3 M0m3n+

Our society is built upon dreams, faith, and hope which are all unseen elements. We not only dream at nights, but we wake up every morning hoping to make our dreams a reality. How can we make our dreams magically appear from the labyrinth of our minds into reality? Many believe through faith and hope, dreams can become real.

My only question is, after you accomplish your dream, what other reason is there to continue?

In other words, if you are living for the moment, what do you do after that moment has come and passed. Imagine if you spend your whole life just to get that one moment to shine and you somehow succeed, what do you do next? Do you make more goals to try to accomplish or do you just give up and accept that you lived for that moment?

Too many questions without any answers...

Some questions cannot be answered until you have experienced that moment you were created for. A dream or that perfect moment seems easy enough to accomplish but today's society, in my opinion, sugar coats the perception of living the dream. Society makes our dreams seem like they are easy to obtain, but in reality obtaining a dream has less odds of happening than winning the jack pot for the lottery. Dreams, faith, and hope are just words with meanings.

But what are words with meanings without actions to associate with them?

You, including myself, currently have aspirations to make our dream("the moment") happen and we continue to believe(faith) and work(hope) towards our happiness. We are living our lives for a moment that fuels and motivates us to function and make decisions in order to advance a step closer to what we consider our ultimate goal. After the moment is lived, just like a great story, the climax passes. The climax passes then we have to look towards the resolution and the ending.

Life is often compared to a book but can you conclude the story of your life just to decide its not the ending you wanted...

After you have lived for the moment, how will it all end? This question is what scares me the most of all. After you have lived your dream or lived your moment the only viable option is death because we truly have no other reason to live. That is why we LIVE for the moment because after it has come and passed then your reason to live has come and passed also. My advice to everyone is to make sure your dreams are worth dying for. You only live one life, you have one moment.

Make sure its a memorable one because after your story has ended, you could be left looking at the back cover of either a New York Times bestseller or a fire starter.

No matter the outcome, Live for the moment. Live your Moment...

What Do I Want From Me?!

This is not a rip off of Adam Lambert's, "Whataya Want From Me" but the whole song did inspire my inner conflict. I listened to this song repeatedly for an hour and kept wondering why I loved it so much. I finally figured it out why this song stuck in my head, its because it reminds me of myself.

I may seem happy on the outside, but honestly... I am really in a state of confusion that I can cannot pull myself from this time...

I honestly believe no one can rescue me from myself. My friends, family, and others who generally care about cannot say or do anything to help me or ease this internal pain I am experiencing. The pain I am feeling has nothing to do with actual pain, instead, the pain I am feeling is emptiness. An emptiness that consists of regret and unhappiness with myself and my life. I am free falling and honestly, I do not know if I am going to hit rock bottom or continue to fall even further...

I am at war with myself...

Where did all this root from? I really do not know but I have been thinking about my life and where it has been and where it is going. For starters, my life has been on a never ending ride beginning in reality where everything was normal and real. I traveled from reality to paradise where I had love in my life, I felt fulfillment, and I felt important. All the way to an internal purgatory where I continue to burn myself with doubts and "what ifs".

From reality to happiness to my own internal hell, I experienced alot but still learned nothing...

My life thus far has been filled with experiences ranging from me losing loved ones or almost being a daddy all the way to the moments where I smile just at the thought of being alone. Through everything I have been through, I still learned nothing about myself or the direction I am going. I do not know what I want in life or where I want my life to head so I am continuing to walk this road alone just to see where it all will end. Will I make a difference in this world or will I live the kind of life wondering what could have been?

Maybe one day I will solve the paradoxical question... What Do I Want from Me?

The Known Unknown

Funny title huh? Makes you sit back and wonder what I was thinking. Instead of thinking about what I was thinking, use your math terms and add the negation to that statement...

Now sit back and wonder what I was not thinking...

This kind of thinking will allow you to understand exactly why this blog post will be nothing like those that preceded it. This time, I am going to blow your mind and fuck up your perception of me. Those who think they knew me before, then best believe you are just an inch further to truly understanding me than those who have not met me yet. And for that accomplishment, I congratulate you...

I gave you all an inch but nothing more...

Consider this post my warning for things to come. Everything you have known about me before will become unknown. I will become the known unknown in your lives...